I wrote this piece after several agonizing months, during which I arrived at a momentous decision – to quit church leadership (after 37 years). The factors involved in that decision were numerous, but the over-riding sense was I needed to ‘survive’, even if that meant leaving behind a clear call and the life-style connected with that call. I knew that many would never understand, including family members and close colleagues, but the strain of continuing was far more than I could cope with, and more than I had grace for !
I am still alive, experiencing MERCY every day, and have found trust in God and His people graciously restored. For those who pass through similar dark valleys, I can only express deep sympathy, and pray that you, too will experience the “SHOOB” of the GOOD SHEPHERD (*** see endnote)
So, 7 years on, I have re-visited & re-worked the piece.
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Life-changing choice moons ago
thrusts on unfamiliar course
Emptied out, sabotaged dreams,
long-term associates fast withdrawn
Performance ineffective, all endorsement gone,
any vision of change eviscerated.
Integrity in tatters brings
final straw to break this camel’s back
~~~
Distress: confided to trusted friends,
Disquiets raised, deep forebodings.
Daily desperation to survive,
self-preservation instinct: escape such
high-demanding, unsustainable lifestyle.
Faulty character, limited resources
priorities consciously shifting away
from a yearning to fulfil divine intent
~~~
Veering onto unknown trajectory,
plan “A” abandoned, plan “B” not countenanced
Humanness intact, at such high price
attesting to deep, deep flaws within.
Immersed in legitimate pursuits
yet bereft of confidence and purpose
Haunted at unsuspecting moments by a
cascading sadness – well-laid bandit’s ambush
~~~
Knowing no circuitous route remains,
through desert wanderings, resigned,
waiting unknown aftermath of decision:
repercussions, temporal and eternal.
Thrown upon unfailing grace,
knowing he will meet face to face,
resorts to offer simple, heartfelt prayer
“Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me.”
~~~
What will history record henceforth?
“Failure” some may say – a trifle harsh !
More accurately “Lightweight”: hauling
load unbearable, mission impossible
falling exhausted, steam-less, far from goal.
Peradventure this tale has educed in you
a negative response, do spare a thought
utter a prayer, and let compassion reign
~~~
(***) SHOOB is the HEBREW word translated “HE RESTORES” in Psalm 23:3
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